The Legacy of the Wolves

Once in college someone said that hanging out with me and one of my best friends was like hanging out with a pack of wolves. IE we chewed you up cause we were so mean. We laughed it off and made a joke about it then, that was probably 5 years ago now, but lately as I am trying to make new friends in the adult world I am thinking about that statement a lot and how it has actually impacted the way I look at myself and my interactions with the world.

I was that girl that when people introduced you to me they would say, She’s is kind of feisty, sassy, loud, bitchy. . . insert sort of offensive word but made to sound nice here. And when I was with my close group of friends I could laugh that off, and kind of play it up. Like yes I am pretty honest, and sometimes sassy but I think I am love able and you will appreciate me for it, and if you don’t well I have this tight group of friends that will. But as we grow up and that group of friends moves away or moves on . . . I am left being that “bitchy” girl that believes she doesn’t deserve friends.

Why would anyone want to be my friend if I am like a pack of wolves, essentially a wolf without her wolf pack. . it is just me and that doesn’t make me a wolf pack that makes me a bitch. And so I find myself making myself small, quiet, reserved so that I don’t offend people and make them not want to be my friend. Gone is the girl that was honest almost to a fault and here is a girl who hides herself and true feelings from almost everyone in her life.

I find myself so desperate to have friendships but then when someone likes me I feel empty because I can never truly be myself or I will go right back to that sassy black friend that you have to explain away to your friends.

I went to visit my best friends recently and met their friends in their new city, and this is how they explained me once again before I even met these people as a feisty girl, but why? Were you preparing them that I may be rude and unpredicatble? That I may say something and to not take me to seriously because I am feisty.

I don’t want to always be the feisty girl the girl that “Is a bitch but you’ll get used to it” I just want to be someone that is worthy enough to be loved for who she is. . someone that is confident enough again to be open and honest and still expect people to want to be my friend at the end. . .

The Business of Feminism

I normally don’t consider myself much of a feminist, at least the the 2015 version. I am all for the feminists of 1919 and past decades, and it is not that I don’t believe in women’s rights but if I am going to put my voice out there about something I normally stick with poverty or race politics. But you know today something really got to me, that made me stop and think. .

How does your simple presence as a man negate my entire interaction as a woman?

Today Mr. and I bought a couch off of an app called NextDoor it basically connects you to your neighbors and is a great connection to things going on in the neighborhood. (It is also a hilarious outlet to watch overly sensitive people rant,within your neighborhood) But in this case we bought a couch, it is a wonderful couch and I am pleased with the experience, but at the end as we walked away the guy selling it to us turned and shook Mr.’s hand and said, “Pleasure doing business with you, see you around the neighborhood.” Then smiled and nodded at me as they walked by.

Pleasure doing business with YOU! Just YOU!

Ok so lets break this down,

I set up the meeting time

, I provided the OK to buy the couch,

I handed over the money

And it was MY car that we drove to pick it up.

So really what business did you do with my husband?

So maybe you helped him carry the couch to our house, while I carried the cushions but does that really constitute business?

I noticed the same sort of interactions when we were buying my new car, one salesmen we met with, knew it was my car, knew it would be my name on the title, and yet he would talk to Mr. as if he were buying a car for his 16 year old daughter. Who wasn’t in the room!

I felt like waving my hands in his face. . . um over here, I am making the decisions here!

Ok maybe these are little things, maybe I should let them go and not get so worked up about them but really when I used to do business when I was single and did not bring a man with me they could see me, they shook my hand and said pleasure doing business with you, with little ole me.

But now it is like I am just the “little Missus” well this little Missus, balances our budget, has a full time career and is fully capable of doing business on my own, just so all the Mr.’s in the world know!

❤ Kelsi Rae

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